MICROSOFT ANNOUNCEMENT

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle. If you have one of the Newcastle editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen. It reads Windiz 98 with a background picture of a Brown Ale bottle superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne Bridge.

It is shipped with the Brown Ale screen saver.

Also note:

• The Recycle Bin is labelled 'Aal ya sh*te'
• Dialup Networking is called 'Me mates'
• Control Panel is known as 'How te f**k aboot wi the settins'
• The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk'
• Floppies are known as 'Them litil plastic bastads'

Other Features:

• OK = it's alreet
• cancel = f**k that
• yes = aye
• no= nee f**kin' chance
• find = gan gerit ya f**king sel'
• goto = owa there
• help = ah cannit dee it
• stop = divvent move
• start = hadaway and sh*te
• settings = settins
• programs = stuff that dis stuff
• personal folder = me sh*te

Also note that Windiz 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Windiz 98:

• tiperiter = a word processor
• cullarin book = a graphics package
• addin masheen = calculator
• tunes = CD player
• p*rn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
• pikchas = a graphics viewer
• dole money = accounting software
• toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores
• bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Brown Ale tax
• records = usually an empty file Kappa tracksuit inventory = usually a 5 meg file

We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the Newcastle edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Go back to the Astbury Humour page

Last revised 28 March 1999.