• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
• Do I look like a fucking people person?
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• You!... Off my planet!
• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door 2?
• Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
• A woman's favourite position is CEO.
• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
• And which dwarf are you?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• It ain't the size, it's the... no, it's the size.
• Meandering to a different drummer
• "Live like there's no tomorrow, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching"

Go back to the Astbury Humour page

Last revised 2 May 1999.